What lies behind a smile?

𝕎𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕝𝕚𝕖𝕤 𝕓𝕖𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕕 𝕒 𝕤𝕞𝕚𝕝𝕖....

In an effort to perform a colour analysis I've been going through old photos trying to find one where my hair is my natural colour; not an easy task!

I've been doing stuff to my hair since I was 15 & there are only a few moments in my adulthood where my hair was natural. Those times were in my abusive marriages where I did not have the funds to spend on 'such wastefulness' as getting my hair done; according to my gravy train riding husbands.

So this photo is from one of those periods ....

I wore that Celtic Rune necklace on my wedding day, at that time he was a self proclaimed Celtic Shaman 🙄

I am holding Izzy my delightful daughter & I would say by that dress that she is around two years old, so that would make me 26 or 27 years old.

The longer hair is that I continued growing it after the wedding & clearly by it's length had not touched it for the first nearly 3 years of marriage.

This photo is PRE head injury by about a year

I look at this photo and I can't recall where it was or why I was there...

He is cut out from the photo - the analogue way with scissors 🤣

Though I don't have detailed memories of life pre or post head injury- a blessing in many ways; and photos do not trigger a visceral recollection like for most people.

But I do know that he would have been terrorizing me at some point in that day - before or after that staged smile ...

What amazes me is how fully beaming my smile is - I don't seem to smile like that anymore - not unless I am deliberately trying to be goofy

I am looking at this 26/27 year old Pia & I have such love & admiration for her

She was glorious & gorgeous but she didn't realise it ....

I have spent my life not recognizing my glorious gorgeousness; especially as I gained weight in my late 30s; weight that fell off for a brief moment at 43 after a year or abuse in marriage #2 & starvation in Pakistan

Freedom seems to have been connected to fattening up 🤷‍♀️🤔

Something I have been very self critical over

Now! I could look back at the missed opportunities of self love with regret & an excuse to whip myself some more...

But this is not the point of the reflection

Rather it is permission to look at my self then & now with appreciation & kindness

I am not a size 8 anymore AND I am also not living in fear, illness & abuse

So I would much rather being in my size 16/18 body dancing around my peaceful, cheery lounge room, taking up space & loving who I am.

Do you love who you are?