It is never too late to re-write your backstory

𝕎𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕝𝕚𝕖𝕤 𝕓𝕖𝕟𝕖𝕒𝕥𝕙 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕤𝕞𝕚𝕝𝕖

Twenty years between these two wedding ceremonies and reflecting on lessons learned...

On the day of my first wedding in 1995 at the age of 23, I was pregnant with my beloved daughter Izzy.

Looking back I carried the bogus social stigma that has rushed many women to fix the "acceptable" order of things by getting married to the impregnator.

That was a huge mistake! Our lives as mother & daughter would have been free from abuse had I realised I could be a single mum from the start.

Twenty years later at the 6 months later Pakistani wedding reception of my second marriage, I was three days post my first missed miscarriage and D&C procedure in that marriage; the physical assault by my ex on the morning of the second procedure a year later, was the last straw that aborted toxic marriage #2

𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐲 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞, 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐡; 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐞𝐱𝐞𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠.

𝑰𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆𝒏 𝒂 𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕 𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒍 𝒐𝒇 𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒆𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒔𝒆 𝒕𝒘𝒐 𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒂𝒎𝒂𝒛𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒐𝒎𝒂𝒏 𝑰 𝒂𝒎 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒔𝒐 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒕𝒐 𝒐𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒓; 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒐𝒍 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒄𝒉𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒎𝒆𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒇𝒍𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝒅𝒐𝒖𝒃𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇-𝒍𝒐𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈.

Now, I look at those versions of me and see how gorgeous & radiant I was; to think those idiot men chose to neglect and abuse me- they were the fools.

𝐿𝑜𝑜𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑏𝑎𝑐𝑘 𝐼 𝑟𝑒𝑐𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑡𝑎𝑏𝑙𝑒 𝑖𝑛 𝑚𝑦 𝑠𝑘𝑖𝑛, 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑛 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑓𝑎𝑡, 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑒𝑛𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑖𝑛 𝑠𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑐ℎ 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑏𝑒𝑙𝑜𝑛𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑔

𝑇ℎ𝑒 𝑙𝑒𝑠𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑡𝑜𝑑𝑎𝑦 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑦𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓, 𝑖𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝐼 𝑑𝑜 𝑛𝑒𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑘𝑒𝑦 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑜𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑡 𝑚𝑦 𝑓𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝑑𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑠 𝑠𝑖𝑧𝑒𝑠 𝑏𝑖𝑔𝑔𝑒𝑟 𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑎𝑚𝑒 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒, 𝑎𝑐𝑐𝑒𝑝𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑣𝑎𝑙 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝐼 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑦 𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑙𝑖𝑒𝑟 𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑣𝑒𝑠.

𝑰𝒕'𝒔 𝒂 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌 𝒊𝒏 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒍𝒚 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒎𝒚 𝒗𝒂𝒍𝒖𝒆 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒐 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒊𝒛𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒚 𝒃𝒐𝒅𝒚 .....

Six years single and what I know now:

1. I love being on my own and will never marry or live with another person again

2. At 50, I am Queer (no need for more defined labels)and will never entertain another cisgender heterosexual man again.

After two failed attempts of trying to fit the compulsory heterosexual norms; I realise the problem was not me but expected standard

3. My neurospicey self never fitted in and that is a good thing I realised I can stop forcing a star shape in a square hole.

I love how my brain works & know the only thing I need to trust is my heartful wisdom guidance; I no longer care if other people don't get it or like it.

𝐂𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐋𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐧𝐚𝐩𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐜

4. If I could tell my younger self one thing, it would be to NEVER put a man's wants ahead of your financial security and to ditch the bizarre need to 'prove' that you can out poor the poor in response to the messaging I grew up with that I had to beg for the basics in an environment of opulence.

This cognitive dissonance had me forty years later, living in a joint family Pakistani household of 10 people in a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom, 1 kitchen dwelling without hot water. And though the sister-in-laws used the housekeeper to do their laundry, I chose to prove my worth by doing all our laundry including blankets by hand

My hard labour was rewarded with neglect & abuse from him & a blind eye to the mistreatment from his family

𝑰 𝒂𝒎 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒉 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒐𝒇 𝒂𝒃𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆 - 𝒏𝒐 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒑𝒐𝒍𝒐𝒈𝒊𝒆𝒔

5. The key to ditching regrets, is to realise that you did the best you could with what you knew then AND that you are not the sum of those past choices.

At any moment we can write a new back story and will always be open to fresh insight in the present moment.

𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐫𝐞-𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲?